"One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture
and, if possible, speak a few reasonable words." ~Goethe

~ also, if possible, to dwell in "a house where all's accustomed, ceremonious." ~Yeats

Monday, December 28, 2020

10 Movies, 10 Images

A HOUSE WHERE ALL'S
ACCUSTOMED, CEREMONIOUS
Peter's Friends ~ well worth watching
not only for the drama but also for the quirky
and lavish Christmas decorations of Wrotham Park

A few months back, I participated in an introspective facebook quiz organized by none other than Master of Revels Steven LaVigne. The challenge was to post pictures from 10 films that have had an impact on you: 10 movies, 10 images, no text required, though I myself can rarely resist a bit of text. The idea was to have a little fun while waiting out the summer quarantine. When it comes to movies, however, I was already thinking ahead to Christmas, so my list comes out at half and half. Of course, there are so many more possibilities; but, on impulse, I went with the following visuals that jumped most readily to mind:


Choose Me


Harriet the Spy


Desperately Seeking Susan


Airport 1975


Mrs. Dalloway


~ Now for some Thanksgiving ~ Christmas ~ New Year Favorites ~


A Child's Christmas in Wales


James Joyce's The Dead


Home for the Holidays


Christmas Vacation


Truman Capote's A Christmas Memory

Next Fortnightly Post
Thursday, January 14th

Between now and then, read
THE QUOTIDIAN KIT
my shorter, almost daily blog posts
www.dailykitticarriker.blogspot.com

Looking for a good book? Try
KITTI'S LIST
my running list of recent reading
www.kittislist.blogspot.com

Monday, December 14, 2020

Fencepost of Homestead Past

OLD WOODEN POSTS
ACCUSTOMED, CEREMONIOUS
December 22, 2009 & Christmas 2010

For me, decking the halls includes decking out this lone vintage fencepost from days of yore that stands so loyally, all by itself along our south property line, more than a century old (ca 1900)!

Not only do I honor Christmas in my heart every year ~ as suggested by Charles Dickens ~ but I honor the venerable fencepost for the sake of all the previous homesteaders: those who set the post in the ground so long ago, those who may have met to chat across the fence, and those whose spirits linger still:

Now by the post-and-rail fences, where the old stones thrown there, picked from the fields, have accumulated,

Wild-flowers and vines and weeds come up through the stones, and partly cover them, beyond these I pass . . .

Alone I had thought—yet soon a silent troop gathers around me,

Some walk by my side, and some behind, and some embrace my arms or neck,

They, the spirits of friends, dead or alive, thicker they come, a great crowd, and I in the middle . . .

. . . there I wander with them . . .


Walt Whitman (1819 - 1892)
from Calamus: "There I Wander in Spring"

*************

Christmas 2011 ~ Plaid Flannel
photo: January 19, 2012

December 27, 2012 ~ Candy Stripes

Christmas 2013 ~ Yellow Crystal
photo: January 2, 2014 ~ Snow Was General

Christmas 2014 ~ Red & Silver
photo: January 7, 2015 ~ Staying Alive

Christmas 2016 ~ Cream & Maroon
photo: January 11, 2017

2020 ~ Recycled Tablecloth
Thanks Steven!

2020 Update: First Snowfall!
December 16, 2020

*************

In closing, I share this sad poem for a sad Christmas,
at the close of a long, confusing year:

The Fence

There where the dim past and future mingle
their nebulous hopes and aspirations
there I lie.

There where truth and untruth struggle
in endless and bloody combat
there I lie.
There where time moves forwards and backwards
with not one moment's pause for sighing
there I lie.

There where the body ages relentlessly
and only the feeble mind can wander back
I lie in open-souled amazement.

There where all the opposites arrive
to plague the inner senses, but do not fuse.
I hold my head; and then contrive
to stop the constant motion;
my head goes round and round,
but I have not been drinking;
I feel the buoyant waves; I stagger.

It seems the world has changed her gament.
but it is I who have not crossed the fence.

There where the need for good
and "the doing good" conflict,
there I lie.


Lenrie Peters (1932 – 2009)
*************

Christmas 2015
photo: January 25, 2016
Salvaged Fence Posts from a Nearby Dumpster

Next Fortnightly Post
Monday, December 28th

Between now and then, read
THE QUOTIDIAN KIT  ~ Festive Fencepost
my shorter, almost daily blog posts
www.dailykitticarriker.blogspot.com

Looking for a good book? Try
KITTI'S LIST
my running list of recent reading
www.kittislist.blogspot.com

Saturday, November 28, 2020

Family Cookbook

COOKBOOKS
ACCUSTOMED, CEREMONIOUS
Now is the time to review the Thanksgiving recipes,
to determine the failures and successes,
to start planning ahead for Hanukkah,
Christmas, New Year's Eve & Day!
We shall work around the pandemic
and find a way to keep the feast!
"Cookbooks hit you where you live. You want comfort; you want security; you want food; you want to not be hungry and not only do you want those basic things fixed, you want it done in a really nice, gentle way that makes you feel loved. That's a big desire, and cookbooks say to the person reading them, 'If you will read me, you will be able to do this for yourself and for others. You will make everybody feel better.'

" . . . there is nothing like a cookbook to explain to you how we used to live. If you want to know what real life used to be like, meaning domestic life, there isn't anywhere you can go that gives you a better idea than a cookbook
." (10)

from More Home Cooking: A Writer Returns to the Kitchen
by Laurie Colwin (1944 - 1992)
~ My mother's notation inside her favorite cookbook ~
~ Here's the little Hunt's booklet that she mentions ~
As it is Thanksgiving weekend,
I must conclude with this notation
that appears as the first item on her
list of successful menu and recipe

"MilePosts"

1961 ~ Thanksgiving Dinner
turkey ~ everything


*********************

Happy ~ Thanksgiving & Turkey ~ Day!
Grade School Art & Poetry
by my twin brother Bruce ~ 1965 (or so)


Next Fortnightly Post
Monday, December 14th

Between now and then, read
THE QUOTIDIAN KIT ~ Homemade Ice Cream
my shorter, almost daily blog posts
www.dailykitticarriker.blogspot.com

Looking for a good book? Try
KITTI'S LIST
my running list of recent reading
www.kittislist.blogspot.com

Saturday, November 14, 2020

Spinning the Web

SPIDER WEB
ACCUSTOMED, CEREMONIOUS
" . . . he could spin the web
between what he had read
and what had happened in the supermarket,
or what he had heard on the radio
." (149)

Sarah Blake (b. 1960)
from her novel The Guest Book

*********
"It seems to me that when you look back at a life, yours or another's, what you see is a path that weaves into and out of deep shadow. So much is lost. What we use to construct the past is what has remained in the open, a hodgepodge of fleeting glimpses. Our histories...are structures built of toothpicks. So what I recall . . . is a construct both of what stands in the light and what I imagine in the darkness where I cannot see...." (302)
William Kent Krueger (b 1950)
from his novel Ordinary Grace


*********

So this post is about spinning a web between several contemporary novels, and weaving a path of shared connections almost too numerous to track. Like the above narrators, I want to spin a web between what I've been hearing, seeing, and reading; to weave a path from from the supermarket to the library, from netflix to amazon, from Blake to Krueger, and beyond.

Reading all of these novels within a few weeks of each other, I repeatedly encountered not only the overarching themes of hope and despair (actually, more despair than hope in every case) but also a variety of odd coincidental details that continually caught me by surprise. How life affirming to connect the dots from one recurring motif to the next, searching and waiting for a pattern to emerge.

First of all, location is practically a character in each of the following stories. Time and place dominates each narrative, beautifully expressed in this initial description of Ann Arbor's Island Park:

"In any quiet town you can find
a street, a field, a stand of trees,
which breaks into the dreams of its citizens
years after the dreamers have left home for good
." (93)


Nancy Willard (1936 - 2017)
from her novel Things Invisible to See

*********

Check out the place names and locales, each so unique:
Things Invisible To See (1985)
Nancy Willard
Ann Arbor, Michigan (1940s)

Black Girl / White Girl (2006)
Joyce Carol Oates
Schuylersville & Chadds Ford, Pennsylvania (1974 - 1975)

Olive Kitteridge (2008)
Elizabeth Strout
Crosby, Maine (1970s - present day)

Ordinary Grace (2013)
William Kent Krueger
New Bremen, Minnesota (1961)

Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine (2017)
Gail Honeyman
Glasgow, Scotland (present day)

The Guest Book (2019)
by Sarah Blake
New York City & Crockett's Island, Maine (1930s - present day)

*********

Following the path that weaves in and out of these narratives, I encountered the following series of recurring thoughts and incidents that struck me as well worth jotting down as I moved from novel to novel:
1. How about those major league baseball subplots in Ordinary Grace and Things Invisible to See?

2. The deadly fires in Eleanor Oliphant and Black Girl / White Girl
[There is also a similar fire in Deadwater Fell, a series that I happened to be watching at the same time]

3. The damaged childhoods of the title characters, Eleanor Oliphant and Olive Kitteridge (as well as her husband Henry, and her former student Kevin), and Generva Mead (the white girl of Black Girl / White Girl). For example:
Eleanor is puzzled when an elderly friend says, "That's all you ever want for your kids: for them to be happy." She ponders this: "Was that what people wanted for their children, for them to be happy? It certainly sounded plausible" (164). For Eleanor, however, a survivor of childhood trauma and inadequate parenting, this has never been the case.

Nor for Generva, who thinks: "This woman who was my mother and whom I was obliged to love, to feel very sorry for and to love, to be embarrassed of, ashamed of, impatient and disgusted with yet to love, this woman and I were - what were we doing?...How rapidly my hippie-mom had changed. How furious, and radiant in her fury. I realized her contempt for me, in my naivete I had imagined it was I who felt a mild daughterly contempt for her....there was nice-Mommy and bad-Mommy the one hidden inside the other like a jack-in-the-box. I had not liked surprises as a child...toys that sprang up into my face....toys that erupted in noise." (135 - 36)

Generva's older brother confides bitterly, "I'll never forgive them, Genna. Those 'adults,' our parents. Exposing us to that life. You, at that age."

"Rickie, I'm fine, I lost my capacity for surprise, that's all."

"You don't know know what you lost, Genna. It's in the nature of loss, you never know." (220)

When she is 72 years old, Olive's adult son Christopher bravely confronts his mother after years of accomodating her passive-aggressive behavior: "I was hoping that things had changed, that this wouldn't happen. But, Mom, I'm not going to take responsibility for the extreme capriciousness of your moods. If something happened to upset you, you should tell me. That way we can talk....You kind of behave like a paranoid, Mom. You always have. At least a lot, anyway. And I never see you taking any responsibility for it. One minute you're one way, the next-you're furious. It's tiring, very wearing for those around you."

His wife Ann tries to help: "No one called you any names. Chris was only trying to tell you that your moods change kind of fast sometimes, and it's been hard. For him growing up, you know. Never knowing."

This only angers Olive further, but Christopher forges ahead with more courage than many adult children can muster: "You say you want to leave, then accuse me of kicking you out. In the past, it would make me feel terrible, but I'm not going to feel terrible now. Because this is not my doing. You just don't seem to notice your actions bring reactions...if you think about it, you'll see that the story is quite different. You have a bad temper. At least I think it's a temper. I don't really know what it is. But you can make people feel terrible. You made Daddy feel terrible....I'm not going to be ruled by fear of you, Mom." (228 - 30)

[Similar themes of child abandonment -- physical and emotional arise in Deadwater Fell, and in Joker - some fairly recent catch-up Covid viewing for Gerry and me]

4. The charming back - to - school imagery:

Olive Kitteridge: " . . . smelling the schoolroom smell . . . " (72)

Eleanor Oliphant:
" . . . on a 'back-to-school shopping trip.' All three of us were allowed to choose new shoes and a new school-bag, and were kitted out with a brand-new uniform . . . Best of all, the trip culminated with a visit to WHSmith, where the riches of the stationery aisle were ours to plunder. Even the most recondite items (set squares, butterfly pins, treaury tags: what were these for?) were permitted, and this booty was then zipped into a large, handsome pencil case which was mine, mine, mine. I am not generally a wearer of perfume . . . but, were it possible to purchase a bottle in which the scent of new pencil shavings and the petroleum reek of a freshly rubbed eraser were combined, I would happily douse myself with it on a daily basis." (305 - 06)

5. The not - so - charming defiling / defacing of clothing with a black magic marker:

Olive Kitteridge: "The beige sweater is thick . . . Olive unfolds it quickly and smears a blackline of Magic Marker down one arm. Then . . . refolds the sweater hurriedly . . . " (72)

Black Girl / White Girl: "On March 7, 1975, Minette Swift claimed to have returned to her locker in the physical education building after gym class, to discover that a sweater of hers had been 'defiled' with a black marker pen. Minette did not want the incident formally reported because she didn't want 'more hassle' but she'd demanded of the dean of students that she be excused from physical education for the remainder of the term, and the dean had concurred." (200)

6. The specter of CVS as a harbinger of the charmless future's displacement of the quaint old - time, old - town, good old days.

Oridnary Grace: "Halderson's Drugstore is now a video store and tanning salon. The shop where Mr. Baake once held forth with barber scissors is called The Shear Delight and caters mostly to women. The police department still borders on the square, housed inside the same stone walls that were laid when the town was first platted. The interior, I've been told has been modernized but I have no desire to see it. For me it will always exist as it did that long ago summer night I first saw it . . . " (303)

Olive Kitteridge: "He passes by where the pharmacy used to be. In its place now is a large chain drugstore with huge glass sliding doors, covering the ground where both the old pharmacy and grocery store stood, large enought so that the black parkig lot where Henry would linger with Denise by the dumpster at day's end before getting into their separate cars -- all this is now taken over by a store that sells not only drugs, but huge rolls of paper towels and boxes of all sizes of garbage bags. Even plates and mugs can be bought there, spatulas, cat food. The trees off to the side have been cut down to make a parking lots. You get used to things, he thinks, without getting used to things." (15 - 16; 143)

"Or, as Eleanor Oliphant says:
"It's both good and bad, how humans
can learn to tolerate pretty much anything,
if they have to
." (210)

7. A couple of references to hymn singing:

Eleanor Oliphant: "When did people become embarrassed to sing in public? Was it because of the decline in churchgoing?...Surely this was the ultimate in disrespect - to attend a man's funeral and mumble during hymns which, however dreary, had been specifically selected to commemorate his life?...The words were incredibly sad, and...entirely without hope, or comfort, but still; it was our duty to sing them to the best of our ability, and to sing proudly, in honor of Sammy." (195)

Olive Kitteridge: Henry "opens the hymnal. 'A mighty fortress is our God, a bulwark never failing.' The words, the sound of the few people singing, make him both hopeful and deeply sad." (27)


8. What I call the miracle of oxygen, described with such lyrical accuracy in Ordinary Grace and Olive Kitteridge:
"They're never far from us, you know. . . .
The dead. No more'n a breath.
You let that last one go and you're with them again. . . .
They're in our hearts and on our minds and in the end
all that separates us from them is a single breath,
one final puff of air
." (305, 307)

William Kent Krueger (b 1950)
last line of his novel Ordinary Grace


and in Olive Kitteridge

" . . . the system of respiration alone
was miraculous, a creation by a splendid power
." (15)

*********

In each of the above novels,
there is the breath of life.
Breathe deep and give them a try!

Always Be Breathing
Always Be Spinning ~ Always Be Weaving!
String Art by Sam

Next Fortnightly Post
Saturday, November 28th

Between now and then, read
THE QUOTIDIAN KIT ~ "The Quotidian Life Is Not Always Easy"
my shorter, almost daily blog posts
www.dailykitticarriker.blogspot.com

Looking for a good book? Try
KITTI'S LIST ~ Location, Location, Location
my running list of recent reading
www.kittislist.blogspot.com

Thursday, October 29, 2020

The Birkinbine Millers of Oak Street

MY GREAT - GREAT GRANDPARENTS
ACCUSTOMED, CEREMONIOUS
Henry Wise Miller
(May 27, 1834 ~ October 29, 1915)
&
Elizabeth Birkinbine Miller
(February 28, 1838 ~ March 28, 1925)
~ 17 Oak Street ~ Emporia, Kansas ~
I wish the photo was labeled to indicate who is standing in front of the house.
My guess is Elizabeth to the left,
and her grand-daughter Rovilla (my grandmother) to the right.

 ~ Henry Miller's tailor shop in Emporia, Kansas ~
He shared the space with his son - in - law,
Nathaniel Reider, who ran a shoe shop
at the corner of 4th Avenue & Commercial Street.
Public notice for visible display,
indicating that the owner -- Henry Wise Miller --
had purchased a legal license from the U.S. government
to manufacture and sell cigars!

Not easy to read, but here’s what it says:

(41)

U. S. INTERNAL REVENUE

COLLECTOR'S CERTIFICATE TO MANUFACTURER OF TOBACCO OR CIGARS

(To be issued upon the approval of the Manufacturer's Bond and posted in a conspicuous place in the Manufactory. Failure to obtain the Certificate or to keep it posted renders the Manufacturer liable to a fine of not less than one hundred dollars. Sections 63 and 82, Act of July 20, 1868.)
I hereby certify That "Henry W. Miller"
Manufacturer of "Cigars" at "Kleinfeltersville,
Lebanon County [Pennsylvania]" (Being Manufactory No. 188) has given bond
to the United States in the sum of "One thousand"
dollars, which includes . . .

The sum of one hundred dollars each for "Five" persons
employed in making cigars ____________$ "500"

In witness whereof, I have here unto affixed my hand and seal
at Pottsville [Pennsylvania], this 7th day of May 1873
J. G. Frick, Collector
10th District of PA [Pennsylvania]
W. E. Davis
[plus some additional official initials -- not clear]

**********************

I have known all my life about the Birkinbine Millers moving to Emporia in 1880 and the tailor shop, although the above storefront photograph was new to me. But never had I heard or seen any reference to the tobacco business until I came across this discolored IRS document, in my 2020 sorting project of family ephemera.

Looking over these various artifacts from Great - Great - Grandfather Miller's life, I can't help thinking of this haunting passage from William Soutar (1898 - 1943) and wondering if it goes both ways -- not only why do we wish to be remembered, but why do we wish to remember these dear old folks who have never looked, can never look, upon our face?

Is it their love or approval that we seek? Or perhaps the opportunitity to say, "Look at us; we are your great - great - grands! It was all worth it! We're going to the future and taking you with us!" Whatever our motiviation, we sense their unseen presence, whenever we look at the old photos, visit the cemetery, or honor the ancestors, on Memorial Day or Dia de los Muertos:
"Why do we wish to be remembered, even when none remain who looked upon our face? Surely, though it must retain an element of self- consideration, it is a last acknowledgment that we need to be loved; and, having gone from all touch, we trust that memory may, as it were, keep our unseen presence within the borders of day."
William Soutar (1898 - 1943)
Scottish poet & diarist

**********************

Remembering Henry Wise Miller
on the 105th anniversary of his death
.
Henry's daughter Anna Mary wrote a letter at the time of his death, sent from the family home on Oak Street (pictured above) to her daughter Rovilla (my grandmother) in another small Kansas town, a hundred miles away. Anna includes news of the family both local and extended, describes what further tasks she hopes to complete for her newly widowed mother, and gives details of the funeral, which was conducted in German. Henry died on October 29th, and the funeral was the 31st. All Hallow's Eve fell on a Sunday that year. The letter begins:
Emporia 10 / 31 - 1915

Dear Papa [her husband William Michael Heidemann] & Rovilla,

This is Sunday evening: Jake and Alice [two of her siblings] are with us this evening. Well we have buried our Grandpa. It was a very pretty day. We had short services at the house at 2 o'clock, a hymn & read a chapter of the Bible & then we took him to the church where we had first a song by the choir ["Wo findet die Seele, die Heimat die Ruh" / "O where is the home of the soul to be found?"], then Rev. John Naninnga read I Corinthians 2: 1 - 10, then a hymn by the choir ["Hier auf Erden bin ich ein Pilger" / "I'm a Pilgrim, and I'm a stranger" ], then Rev. Josef Brandt preached from Job 19: 25 - 27. He surely preached a good sermon in German, after which Rev. Steinmetz spoke a few words from Chapter 1 of Job, than another hymn ("Abide With Me").

He also spoke so good; I wish that all English people could have understood it. The church was full. It seems so lonesome this evening. Grandpa's coffin was covered with the prettiest flowers, white and purple & tied with pretty purple chiffon ribbons. Nathaniel [Henry's son - in - law mentioned above; married to Alice] took a picture of the casket & flowers, so you can see later on how it looked. I was sure looking for Harry but he sent a telegram that he could not come. . . . I have seen many of the old acquaintances since Father has been sick. I am surely anxious to come home. But first we have to do all the washing. Then I intend to clean up all the house & get the boys more comfortable [not sure who she means, as there were no youngsters or young men remaining at home]. We were upside down more or less all the time. It is a wonder Fred did not get homesick; maybe he did but he would not let on.

This is Monday: Received your letter, sure glad to hear from all. Alice is trimming Grandma's bonnet over this morning. They intend to go home this evening at five. This afternoon Alice Reider & I are going out to the cemetery to fix Uncle Will's grave [Anna's older brother / Henry & Elizabeth's eldest son, who had died of cancer in 1893, at age 28] & to put flowers on. Then tomorrow, I will commence to do the washing. I cannot set a day yet to come home, unless Mother would rather do part of the work herself. The house is very dirty, needs carpets taken up.... I got one night's rest, but sleep is gone away from us, but we will come to it again. Well I must close and hope your are both well, that is my prayer.
from Mamma

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anna Mary Miller Heidemann
December 29, 1862 ~ January 3, 1923

Some of Anna's ornate calling cards
from before her marriage:

Wish I could have found a card for
William Birkinbine Miller


Next Fortnightly Post
Saturday, November 14th

Between now and then, read
THE QUOTIDIAN KIT ~
my shorter, almost daily blog posts
www.dailykitticarriker.blogspot.com

Looking for a good book? Try
KITTI'S LIST
my running list of recent reading
www.kittislist.blogspot.com

Wednesday, October 14, 2020

You Will Be the Light

MOONLIGHT
ACCUSTOMED, CEREMONIOUS


This tender melody is my latest favorite --
a song to truly break your heart.
We keep losing loved ones this year --
and not even to coronavirus.
Every single time it happens,
these haunting lyrics come to mind:

You Will Be the Light

You'll never be the sun turning in the sky
And you won't be the moon above us on a moonlit night
And you won't be the stars in heaven
Although they burn so bright
But even on the deepest ocean
You will be the light

You may not always shine
As you go barefoot over stone
You might be so long together
Or you might walk alone
And you won't find that love comes easy
But that love is always right
So even when the dark clouds gather
You will be the light

And if you lose the part inside
When loves turns round on you
Leaving the past behind
Is knowing you'll do like you always do
Holding you blind, keeping you true

You'll never be the sun turning in the sky
And you won't be the moon above us on a moonlit night
And you won't be the stars in heaven
Although they burn so bright
But even on the deepest ocean
You will be the light


Songwriter: Donagh Long
Performed by: Dolly, Emmylou, Linda
Also by Dolores Keane

The Full Corn Moon,
pinning all our hopes on September
“We are here because we are born with the capacity
to find hidden light in all events and all people,
to lift it up and make it visible once again and
thereby to restore the innate wholeness of the world."
  

from
Becoming Wise: An Inquiry into
the Mystery and Art of Living
 
(p 25)
 by Krista Tippett 

Looking past the bothersome, worrisome, sad aspects of 2020, September was still magical; October is still mystical -- and this year, even more so! Most years it's easy: the Harvest Moon is in September, the Hunter's Moon in October. However, 2020, is one of those special years when October plays host to both big enchanting fall moons, due to the September moon being full so early in the month (the 2nd), nearly three weeks before the autumnal equinox (the 22nd).

By definition any year's Harvest Moon is the one that falls closest to the autumnal equinox (aka Mabon). This year, that honor goes to the full moon of October 1st, as does the honor of the Full Hunter's Moon on October 31st. A Blue Moon in the sky on Halloween / Saturday night -- perfect cosmic alignment for a perfectly spellbinding holiday. If only it weren't 2020, alas . . .

Harvest Moonrise,
a hopeful October
and tiny green Halloween ghost
flying around our neighbors’ window!
" . . . suddenly death seems easier, more inevitable than life.
 . . . [but] I try to appreciate the joy of the moment
without the sorrow
."


from Shabanu: Daughter of the Wind (pp 16, 231)
by Suzanne Fisher Staples

July 2019 & July 2020
“The world will never starve for want of wonders;
but only for want of wonder.”
 

from 
Tremendous Trifles (p 3)
by G.K. Chesterton 
More Light!

Next Fortnightly Post
Wednesday, October 28th

Between now and then, read
THE QUOTIDIAN KIT ~ "Finding the Light"
my shorter, almost daily blog posts
www.dailykitticarriker.blogspot.com

Looking for a good book? Try
KITTI'S LIST
my running list of recent reading
www.kittislist.blogspot.com

Monday, September 28, 2020

Uroboros

THE UROBOROS
ACCUSTOMED, CEREMONIOUS
Drawn by an anonymous medieval illuminator, ca 7th C
Copied in 1478 by Theodoros Pelecanos

Way back in grad school (1985 or so), when I took a class in Modern British Fiction from Professor Joe Buttigieg (yes, Pete's dad ~ *see "Comments" below), we studied the imagery of the mystical uroboros (also spelled ouroboros). The snake or dagon swallowing or biting its own tail is an ancient symbol of eternity and fertility, representing the cyclical nature of life, death, and rebirth; the process of eternal renewal, and the transmigration of souls. In connection with E. M. Forster's novel A Passage to India, Professor Wilfred H. Stone analyzes the narrative as an attempt to put together the pieces of a great symbolic "circle of perfection":
The echoes and the caves are both examples of this circle imagery; the significance of such imagery to the novel is that "Passage is less a dialectic of dualisms than it is a revelation that unity already exists -- if we would but recognize it. . . . The entire novel is implied" in Forster's descriptions of the caves and echoes. Stone provides extensive explanation of how the three sections of the novel -- Mosque, Caves, Temple -- and the events they contain represent (or are represented by) a cycle (i.e., a circle) of nature.

Stone concludes a discussion of the sky with the observation that "The 'arches' of the book extend through microcosm, geocosm, macrocosm, infinite in both directions: 'Outside the arch there seemed always an arch, beyhond the remotest echo of silence.'" Other arch and circle related symbols referred to are the uroboros (the snake swallowing its tail, one of "man's earliest imaginings") and the mandala ("one of those encircled squares which have served immemorialy as archetypes of wholeness affording a vision of unity around a disordered multiplicity").

~notes from The Cave and the Mountain:
A Study of E. M. Forster
, 1966

The Mandala
~ click for many more examples ~

The Uroboros
~ click for many more examples ~


In modern science fiction, the uroboros represents a never - ending time loop, beautifully complete yet endlessly frustrating. Despite the time traveler's flexibility to travel backward and avert disaster, history may not be subject to modification but instead plays itself out continuously according to its own plan. This conundrum recurs like a repeating decimal throughout both the literary canon and our popular culture: The Apparition of Mrs. Veal, Our Town, Damn Yankees, The White Hotel, Back to the Future, Sliding Doors, to name only a handful. I'm sure a dozen other favorites will leap (or should I say "leap frog" or "time leap"?!) immediately to your mind.

Nebula Award winner Ted Chiang (b 1967), for example, writes beautifully of the mandala's ability to focus all of time simultaneously:
"Blinding, joyous, fearful symmetry surrounds me. So much is incorporated within patterns now that the entire universe verges on resolving itself into a picture. I'm closing in on the ultimate gestalt: the context in which all knowledge fits and is illuminated, a mandala, the music of the spheres, kosmos.

"I seek enlightenment, not spiritual but rational. I must go still further to reach it, but this time the goal with not be perpetually retreating from my fingertips. With my mind's language, the distance between myself and enlightenment is precisely calculable. I've sighted my final destination."
(p 67)

"Instead of racing forward, my mind hung balanced on the symmetry underlying the semagrams. The semagrams seemed to be something more than language; they were almost like mandalas. I found myself in a meditative state, contemplating the way in which premises and conclusions were interchangeable. There was not direction inherent in the way propositions were connected, no 'train of thought' moving along a particular route; all the components in an act of reasoning were equally powerful, all having identical precedence." (p 152, emphasis added)

In his footnotes, Chiang includes this intriguing comment from Kurt Vonnegut's introduction to the 25th anniversary edition of Slaughterhouse-Five: “Stephen Hawking . . . found it tantalizing that we could not remember the future. But remembering the future is child's play for me now. I know what will become of my helpless, trusting babies because they are grown-ups now. I know how my closest friends will end up because so many of them are retired or dead now . . . To Stephen Hawking and all others younger than myself I say, 'Be patient. Your future will come to you and lie down at your feet like a dog who knows and loves you no matter what you are.” (p 334)

~ all passages from Stories of Your Life and Others
(2002) (see also the 2016 movie Arrival)

In Robert Heinlein's 1958 story " '—All You Zombies—' " (and the 2014 movie Predestination) the Bartender struggles against the inevitable repeating decimal of his own personal timeline. Signifying his perpetual conflict with the universe, he wears a uroboros ring and mentions "the snake that eats its own tail forever and ever." Thus ancient mysticism comes full circle with contemporary sci - fi.
Here's a similar ring ~ available from amazon ~ with an impressively literary product description: "The Uroboros pictures on tombs symbolize immortality, eternity and wisdom. In many myths it encompasses the whole world and identifies itself with the circular flow of the earth's waters. It can support the world and its existance, and at the same time it brings death into life and life into death. Immobile on the outside, it symbolizes the eternal movement always returning to itself."
Also available as necklace & bracelet.
[**See "Comments" below]

More recently, Stephen King's 2011 novel, 11 / 22 / 63 re-examines the assassination of JFK. Maybe it's not too late to change the course of history and make some other improvements along the way, but -- inevitably -- the past "pushes back" (watch the 2016 miniseries) and the orginal chain of events remains unchanged; or in fixing one thing, the time traveler breaks another (warning: Butterfly Effect ~ Everything You Need to Know ~ the movie, 2004). Perhaps that's why "you shouldn't be here!"

As the Yellow Card Man insists:
"Close the circle!"


Next Fortnightly Post
Wednesday, October 14th

Between now and then, read
THE QUOTIDIAN KIT ~ Mandala inspired medicine wheel
my shorter, almost daily blog posts
www.dailykitticarriker.blogspot.com

Looking for a good book? Try
KITTI'S LIST
my running list of recent reading
www.kittislist.blogspot.com

Monday, September 14, 2020

Ellie's Inner Sam

A SPECIAL GREETING TO BABY
ELEANOR ROSE McCARTNEY
Born August 16, 2020


~~ Ellie channels her inner Sam! ~~

From her uncle
SAMUEL JEROME McCARTNEY
Born September 7, 1993
"Dear Ellie,
You have dethroned my long reign as baby of the family. No worries tho, your fun uncle is putting together a lesson plan to make sure you understand the roles and responsibilities that come with that position of power — and that just-right amount of trouble that is acceptable!" ~~ XOXO, From your fun Uncle Sam
THANKS SAM!

********************

Same disclaimer as last time!
CHILDBIRTH: ACCUSTOMED, CEREMONIOUS,
Read at your own risk: this narrative describes
labor and delivery in anatomically accurate detail.
BRACE YOURSELF!

Looking back, it seems that with Ben I had a very easy pregnancy -- with Sam a more typical one, which seemed difficult at the time only because I was using an easy pregnancy as my point of comparison. I think that my labor, too, with Sam was a typical one. Labor with Ben wasn't extremely difficult, but definitely atypical. I characterized the two by saying that with Ben I had a number of recognizable signs but didn't know what was going on; with Sam, I had a pretty good idea what was going on, but I didn't recognize any of the signs.

In many ways, it seems that Sam started coming on Friday, September 3rd. At 8:30 that morning I had a regular exam, this time with the nurse practitioner, Annamaria. When she did he internal exam (the previous week had been my first internal since May), it was so painful that tears came to my eyes. She apologized profusely, but I couldn't stop crying -- not so much because of the pain, which passed soon enough, but because was I suddenly reminded of how much it had hurt to have Ben and how much it was going to hurt again. I think it was the first time I had acknowledged -- mind, body, and soul -- that having another child was going to mean experiencing another childbirth! (After the exam, I went swimming for the last time of the season. When I got to the pool, an hour later than usual, my friends called out, "We thought you might be having the baby!" I said, "No, just a doctor's appointment.")

Perhaps it was the sense of imminent dread that got my labor started. The cervix itself was softened but not at all dilated; however, Gerry and I were gearing up mentally for the birth. Since Ben had come 17 days before his due date (on the 2nd rather than the 19th of June), we half - suspected that SaSa might do the same. With a due date of September 22, we figured any time after the 1st of the month was likely. Friday evening I lost a very small amount of mucus, faintly tinged with blood; but I assumed that the cervix had probably been irritated somewhat by the painful internal exam. The next day, we drove to Ocean City, New Jersey (about 50 minutes from Philadelphia) to spend the Labor Day Weekend at Brian and Melani's beach house. The day was pleasant (we all enjoyed the Boardwalk and the kiddie rides) and passed uneventfully (as far as the Baby was concerned); but late that evening, I lost a bit more mucus and had bad indigestion. I think I was just a bit panicked that the Baby would start coming when we were out of town, even though when Brian had offered us the use of the cottage, he had reassured us that he didn't think the Baby was coming as soon as we thought it might! We all laughed about that for years to come!

We had another nice day Sunday (September 5th), getting up fairly early for breakfast at an Italian restaurant on the Boardwalk and making it to the beach by 10:00 a.m. Ben was having a great time, covering up his "kielbasas" (i.e., his "big legs") with sand. A friendly woman passerby observed that I did not look pregnant from behind, only from the front! When she asked when I was due, I said, "Any day now!" This exchange reminded me of something that happened the day before Ben was born. I had stopped by Von's bookstore (in West Lafayette) around noon on Friday, June 1st, and one of the clerks there asked, "When is your baby due?" and I said "Any minute." In retrospect, this remark seemed to me like an omen, since my water broke about 14 hours later!

We stayed at the beach a couple of hours, until Brian showed up and we all walked back to the house where we had lunch and a nap. In the afternoon, we took Ben for one more round of carnival rides and then went out for dinner with Brian, Melani, and Scotty. As we were getting in the car (around 6:00 p.m.) I had a very noticeable contraction in my lower abdomen, where I had not previously felt any activity. I did not feel anything else until after the meal, when we got in the car to return to Philadelphia. All the way home, I felt those lower abdominal contractions, which seemed nothing like the Braxton - Hicks contractions I had been noticing across the top of my abdomen for the past month or so. Again, I can attribute the tension I felt to the uneasy situation of being trapped in the car on the highway in a long chain of holiday traffic. The contractions went away almost immediately upon our arrival at home. I called our neighbors Beth and Nelson to see if they could watch Ben in case we went to the hospital that night. They weren't home, but after leaving a message on their machine, I felt better.

On Monday -- Labor Day -- Gerry, Ben, and I spent the entire day inside (though it was a lovely day) restoring order to the bookshelves and other areas of the study and guest room after the floor - sanding project of September 1st. Since we hadn't heard from Beth and Nelson yet, I called Teresa and John Chou to see if they could help us with Ben if the Baby came that day. They were more than willing, and Teresa asked me if I'd felt any "nesting" urges. I said that I wouldn't recognize them if I had since I'd been in a state of enforced nesting all summer [following major household move from Indiana to Philadelphia in April] just trying to get the house in order before the Baby came. I skipped swimming because I was spotting off and on all day, but I was not really alarmed because it was very light with still only the merest amount of blood. Throughout the day, I felt a pain in my round ligament, high on the right side (the exact spot where I had felt a lot of pain in late June, so much so that I had called the doctor -- who said that this was just the ligament stretching). But I had no more lower abdominal contractions, so I did not feel worried. I did resolve, however, to call the doctors' office the next day.

On Tuesday morning, I woke up early (maybe 6:00 a.m. -- well before Ben, anyway) and discovered a substantial, bloody, vaginal discharge. I felt very much as if I were waking up on the first day of my period. This sensation was quiet different than the beginning of my labor with Ben, which came on more or less all at once with the water, mucus plug, and "bloody" show (which was hardly noticeable, hardly bloody, at all) breaking all at once. Now I was concerned, since with Ben there had been no bleeding at all. I also had a low, crampy feeling, but nothing like the contractions of Saturday night. I lay down until Ben woke up, and then he and I went downstairs and cleaned the green guest bath. I should have recognized this as a "nesting" sign, since it was a room that we rarely bothered cleaning, so rarely in fact that Ben even asked, "Is Grandma coming?" If not, why were we cleaning her bathroom? Haha! After finishing this task and getting ready for school, Ben wanted to look at the Sheila Kitzinger childbirth book. So I sat on the family room couch with him and we looked at the drawing of the full - term in utero baby. Ben than had a premonition: "Maybe this baby need come out now; maybe there's no more room in there." He was right!

After breakfast, I started putting the glassware back into the dining room buffet. This was the last room left to assemble after the sanding. I was going to spend the morning at home, trying to call the doctor and waiting for the carpet fitters to come and do the third floor; Gerry was going to take Ben to school and leave the car parked at St. Mary's just to simplify things a bit. As he and Ben were leaving and I was frenetically dusting glasses, Gerry said, "I don't know why you're in such a rush -- you're going to be pregnant for two more weeks!" Once again, we misread the signal -- I really was nesting! When I reached Dr. Rhoa, he said, "You sound kind of excited." I wanted to say, "Yes, I am, because I'm having my floors done today; I've been waiting all summer to be able to go barefoot in my own home!" He said that I should come in sometime that day and that rather than going to the office I should go the Labor Floor and he would come over and check me there. When I said, thinking of the carpet men, that I couldn't make it that morning, he aid, "Well, just don't leave it until too late in the day." He also suggested that I could be having contractions and not feeling them. I spent the rest of the morning putting a few things out for the mail (a card to Lisa Berg, a birthday card for my sister Di) and calling a few friends and neighbors that I hadn't been able to reach over the weekend, one of whom asked "Are you having a contraction now," and I said, "No, I"m just winded." Actually, I remember feeling very peaceful just then, sitting on the counter top, in a relaxed phone chatting position. The cats, Marcus and Josef were sprawled around the kitchen floor taking naps, and most of the errands I'd hoped to accomplish were completed.

Soon after, the carpet fitters showed up and I went into nesting mode again, sweeping the kitchen, the front, back, basement, and outside stairs, plus vacuuming the study rug and the dining room rug, and wiping up as much leftover sanding dust as I could find. One of the carpet men, lugging some equipment upstairs, said, "You're working hard too." I said, "Yes, it's my last chance!" I talked to Gerry a few times on the phone, to inform him of the carpet progress and make plans for the afternoon We both felt that going to the Labor Floor would end up being a big waste of time, yet it seemed foolish not to have the bleeding checked (which was continuing at a slow but steady rate). In addition to the carpeting, we were having the kitchen floor waxed that afternoon, and having someone look at BMW brakes (because, like me, they were leaking fluid). Finally, making a peanut butter sandwich, I said to Ann, our 4th floor renter, that I wanted to stock up on energy in case I got to the hospital and people started telling me I couldn't have anything to eat. I was just on my way from the kitchen through the dining room when Ben and Gerry arrived home (so it must have been about 12:15 p.m.); suddenly I had to sit down on the dining room chair. I was having my first clearly recognizable (though not extremely painful) contraction. I told Gerry that I'd just have a shower and then we'd go; he'd drop me off at the hospital and then take the car up to Bala Cynwyd. Ann could stay with Ben that afternoon and evening, if need be.

After my shower, I plodded up the stairs to our 4th floor laundry room, and one of the the carpet men said, "Are you alright?" I said "Yes," but vaguely sensed that I wasn't really. On the way downstairs, I stopped in the family room to pick up my packed overnight bag (just in case) and say "Good bye" to Ann and Ben. I also asked Ann, "If I end up staying and Gerry forgets, could you please put the clothes that are in the washer into the dryer." Ann said, "I thought you were going to say 'If Gerry forgets I'm there could you please come get me!'" Haha! Even funnier is that after we got in the car, Gerry did say, "Here's a subway token so that you can ride the trolley home." That was how I'd gone back and forth to a few of my previous appointments, but this time it didn't seem like such a good idea, and we finally agreed that he would stop back by the hospital -- just in case. In the car, I felt another contraction and sweat breaking out across my forehead. Just then, however, Gerry said, "It's so humid today," so I thought maybe it was just the heat and not a contraction after all.

I felt okay when we got to the hospital. Gerry drove off into the distance and I casually strolled in for my "check up." This was quite a different scene from the morning when Ben came, and I arrived at the hospital doubled up in pain, wearing Gerry's old pajamas, and collapsing into the first available wheelchair! When I asked the receptionist for directions to the Labor Floor, she said, "Are you here to visit someone?" I said, "No, I'm just having my check up here at the hospital today." After a bit of wandering around looking for the right elevator, I made my way to the Labor Floor, and checked in with the receptionist there, who asked me if I were in labor. Again, "No, the doctor just told me to have my check up here today." Before I knew it, I was put into a little room, instructed to dress in a hospital gown, and hooked up to a couple of monitors. Again, I had the sinking feeling that the whole afternoon would be wasted when I had so many little things to do, and I wanted to say, "You must have the wrong person; I'm just here for a check up." I was reading John McGahern's novel Amongst Women, and out of the corner of my eye I could clearly see on the monitor that every four minutes or so I was having a contraction which went off the scale, but it was nothing that I couldn't continue to read through. The pain was still at about the level of a mild menstrual cramp. At 2:30, a nurse practitioner came in to the an internal exam and -- what a surprise -- I was 3 - 4 cm dilated! In a way, though, I wasn't surprised. I felt very calm, and the sense of nonchalance that Gerry and I had shared that morning had not yet been taken over by the mounting urgency of the situation. The nurse looked at me curiously and asked me several times, "Are you in labor?" I said, "I guess I am." She concluded, "I guess you are too, but you just have a pleasant way of showing it."

Of course, it was early yet, but this constellation of sensations is what I had expected but didn't have with Ben's labor: a sense of rising and falling action with heach contraction and a pain similar to menstrual cramping. Now, I finally understood those stories of women who call their friends on the phone or go for a walk or see a movie during early labor. (I remember one friend going to Bible Study!) I can still recall my sense of astonishment when Ben was coming and the nurse said, "As soon as we complete all this prep work, you can for a walk." I knew she was wrong about that: I could barely stand then, let alone walk. But here I was with Sam, reading a book! It seems to me, now that it's over, that I really had a long, slow early labor with Sam, beginning with the first show of mucus on Friday night and lasting until about 4:00 p.m. Tuesday, when the transitional pain started really kicking in. With Ben, I had absolutely no sense of early labor, just the intense transition phase contractions; but now I see that I could have had several hours of early contractions that I simply never felt (maybe during that time between 2:00 a.m. when the water broke and 4:30 a.m. when I felt the first contraction, which was extremely powerful; with Ben there had been no sense of a predictable rise and fall; every contraction was a shattering, disorienting earthquake of pain).

Shortly after that first internal exam (sometime between 2:30 - 3:00 p.m.), Gerry arrived and was greatly surprised to hear the news that we were having a baby! He had a meeting at 3:00 p.m., so we decided that he should go ahead to campus to check on things. We also thought, superstitiously, that if he stayed nothing would happen, but if he left the labor would speed along! After he left I was moved to a labor room and given several more internals right away (it seemed that everyone who walked into the room was giving me an internal exam; also, it seemed that everyone was really pushing me to have an epidural, but I kept declining). At 3:30 p.m., I was pronounced 4 - 5 cm dilated; at 3:45, 5 - 6 cm. Even though the exams were quite painful, it was gratifying to hear the news of such steady progress! Each contraction was stronger than the one before; but, as I told one of the doctor: "It's not the worst pain I've ever felt." She said, "Just wait." Not exactly the most charming bedside manner, but she was right. She also informed that she was "under Dr. Rhoa," who was already under Dr. Fang. As we moved down the food chain, I was beginning to wonder if at the end of the day a work - study student was going to deliver the Baby!

Around this time, one of the nurses started to insert a "routine IV," which I did not want (and had not been required with Ben's birth back in Indiana). After two unsuccessful (and very painful) attempts, she brought in someone else who also failed (all three times in my left arm). Right at this moment, Gerry arrived, and said, "Please stop! This is unnecessary, and you're making her feel horrible." We both knew that I needed all of my concentration to endure the mounting intensity of each contraction. Finally, they called in the anesthesiologist who shifted to my right arm and numbed it before inserting the IV. It was still annoying, but at least he was kind and efficient. At 5:00 p.m., I was till dilated 6 cm (the same as an hour and fifteen minutes earlier). This wasn't really bad news, but it was disheartening since the pain was getting so much sharper. The next hour and fifteen minutes was the worst. I was getting very little relief between each contraction, and I kept saying to Ger things like "How does the human race survive? How do people keep on doing it? I could never go through this again! I can't bear it! I can't do it!" etc. etc. But I never took it out on him personally, the way they stupidly portray on TV and in the movies. My concerns were more existential than that! According to my Bradley Childbirth Book, these were the signposts of self - doubt, which indicate that the transition phase is nearing its completion. But, of course, I wasn't thinking rationally enough to remember this at the time! Instead, we asked if I could have some kind of pain relief through the IV, since it was already in place. Still, whenever anyone suggested "epidural" all I could think of was that IV being jabbed into my arm, and I remember saying, "Not in my back, not in my back!" Despite that a couple of friends and relatives had reported excellent epidural experiences during the past year, I could not forget our neighbor Freda saying that hers had been painful and that she had been aware of it the entire time. I just didn't have the courage to try it. And, as Gerry pointed out, the relief as each contraction ended really was immediate, regardless of how painful it had just been. So each time I would think, "Well, that one is over now and I didn't need the drugs." Of course, as the next one started up, I'd once again be thinking, "I can't endure another one!"

Somewhere along the line, Dr. Rhoa had come into say that he was going off duty and that he was not sure who the on - call doctor was for the evening shift (and that if my contractions slowed down, which they certainly didn't appear to be doing, I would be giving pitocin to maintain the labor). At 6:15 p.m. we were pleased to see the head of the practice Dr. Weinstein, who had made an excellent first impression on us back in May, although we had not seen him since then. We had definitely moved up the food chain, not down! He checked my cervix, and said that I was now at 8 cm and that it was not too late for demerol in the IV; he said it might relax me (he then went off to change out of his street clothes). The demerol wasn't administered until 6:35 p.m., when the nurse that it would be about 18 minutes before it took effect and that while it would not block out the pain entirely, it would make me "care about it less." Well, unfortunately, I cared about it just as much as before! I had a number of excruciating contractions in the 18 minutes that followed. In between each one, however, I did seem to blank out completely. On the one hand this caused me less anxiety because I was no longer anticipating being in great pain, but on the other hand each contraction was like a jolt which shook me with complete surprise since I was dozing through the rising action and startling into consciousness only for the climactic peak of the pain.

But the effects of the demerol and even the pain itself soon seemed beside the point; by 6:55 p.m. things were moving very quickly indeed. this was when Weinstein returned in his hospital clothes, gave me an internal exam (9 cm), and broke the water by mashing his fist around inside me -- or so it felt, while I writhed and thrashed my legs and cried out, "No, no, no!" When the very next contraction ended, I felt a completely new sensation -- as if a cannon ball were throttling through my body. I said, "Maybe it's the baby coming!" Next came the awkward job of moving off the bed onto a stretcher and being wheeled into a delivery room, to the chorus of "Don't push, don't push." Of course, I could not have kept from pushing if I had wanted to. Finally, I understood about the "urge to bear down," which I had never experienced with Ben's delivery.

Most of what happened in that delivery room was rather hazy to me. Like the routine IV, the staff insisted on the outdated stir - ups, and I thought my legs would break off with the pain when they were forced into that position, which seemed to strain the muscles against the way in which I had been using them for the past couple of hours. I was given local anesthetic (shots which I felt vaguely) and an episiotmy (which I did not feel at all or even realize had been done until afterward). Gerry said that all this time I was clinging on to him so hard that he could hardly breathe. But I can recall that at one point I did not know where he was in the room (I wasn't wearing my glasses) and none of the nurses seemed nearby and right in the middle of a painful pushing contraction I said, "Somebody help me, somebody help me." At this point Weinstein said, "All these people are here to help you." Also, around this time (probably before the episiotomy), in between contractions I was gasping in response to some other kind of pain thta I could feel around the birth opening. Gerry said, "Is it a contraction?" And all I could do was shake my head and motion toward Weinstein who was standing at the end of the table between my legs. Weinstein then explained that he was massaging the opening to relax it as much as possible, and Gerry tried to reassure me, "He's trying to do everything the right way."

In fact, Weinstein was very encouraging. When he said he was there to help us, he seemed to really mean it. He was not there to take over the work, but to talk us through what we had left to do. This was similar to the moment in Ben's delivery when Dr. Bosley said, "I'm going to help you have this baby." Weinstein kept saying, "It's up to you. I bet you can have this baby in only five more contractions, but maybe you can do it in four. It's up to you." I remember thinking to myself, "If only I push hard enough, I will not be pregnant anymore."

When Weinstein saw the crown, he said, "I hope you didn't want a baby with a lot of hair, because I don't see any!" From behind the doctor, Gerry gave me a big "Okay" sign, and even in my groggy state I knew what he meant -- that he really could see the top of the head (unlike with Ben when I pushed so hard but could not get the Baby to crown). The next thing I knew, the head was out -- Sam was nearly born! Weinstein was saying "Oh, there's hair after all"; one of the nurses was saying, "Hi Baby, hi Baby"; and Gerry was saying, "He looks just like Ben!" One more push and the body was born, and everyone was saying, "It's a boy!" Although we hadn't known for sure, we were not too surprised. Not only was my intuition that it was a boy, but the ultra - sound technician had suspected as much back in April (the same thing was true when Ben's ultra - sound was done in February 1990); but both times we just left that information on the back burner rather than assuming it to be absolute).

Several things were done to Sam before I saw or held him: his cord was cut, his eyes were washed out, and his footprints were taken (and my thumbprint, I think). I was so exhausted that I didn't really mind waiting for a few minutes; and I felt confident that Sam was getting the bonding he needed since Gerry was right there with him. I was also being stitched up at this time(this was the first point at which I even realized that I had been cut), and I vividly remember jumping and crying out when Weinstein started to make a stitch where I was not entirely numb. He apologized profusely, and again Gerry said, "He's making sure that everything is done right." When it was time to wheel me out of the delivery room, I was shaking and shivering uncontrollably; so one of the nurses wrapped me up in heated flannel sheets -- a most wonderful sensation which I can still remember savoring after Ben was born. Back in our labor room, I put my glasses on and gradually came out of my demerol haze -- two factors that made me feel much more focused. Gerry said that I looked great for just having given birth. Sam was sucking away on Gerry's finger, and I gave him a try at each breast before the nurses took him to the nursery for his newborn profile. Weinstein came in to congratulate us again; and, strangely enough, an anesthesiologist (not the same one who had done my IV) came by to apologize for not being able to set up my epidural in time (a couple of the nurses made similar remarks, so I think there been some confusion in their minds about my pain relief choices; but that's okay).

It was now 8:00 p.m., and I was supposed to take a nap for an hour while Sam was gone. Unfortunately, I was also having my vital signs checked every quarter hour, so I didn't get much of a rest (nothing like the luxurious four - hour nap that I had after Ben was born). Gerry took this opportunity to run home and tell Ann and Ben the news. He returned to the hospital just as I was being wheeled from the labor room to our recovery room and handed me a couple of postcards that we got in the mail that day. We sat in our semi - dark room, reading these things and eating a ham sandwich that the nurse brought. It was wrapped in a vending - machine container and did not look particularly appetizing, but it tasted delicious! At this time I asked the nurse to remove my IV, but she said it had to stay in because the bag was filled with a pitocin solution (administered by injection following Ben's birth).

I can't remember exactly when Sam was brought in (was it before Gerry left for the night?) or the sequence of events throughout the night. I know the nurses brought him for his first feeding at 3:00 a.m. Wednesday, and he had another one at 6:00 a.m. (but I'm not sure if he was in the room between 3:00 & 6:00 or if the was taken back to the nursery). Weinstein came to give me a brief exam at 7:30 a.m., and Gerry came at around 9:00 a.m. It was either Weinstein or Rhoa (who came to give me my dismissal checkup the following morning) who remarked that Same looked like a cesarean baby rather than a vaginal delivery because his big round head was so perfect -- due to having been in the birth canal only very briefly.

Sam spent most of the day in the room while I rested and read and fed him a few times. Ben stayed at St. Mary's all day Wednesday; Gerry picked him up after work and they both came by to see me. Ben was excited and happy and very pleased to report that Big Round Moon Sasa (our pre-birth nickname for "Sam or Sappho") was now "Sam -- not Sasa." But Little Ben was so tired that he could hardly stand; for a long time afterward he would refer to "that long day when Sam was born and Ben stayed at school all day." I had a quiet evening. Gerry called me on the phone after he got Ben to bed. Sam was wheeled in and out occasionally; I sat on the bed, sorting out all the free baby product offers and coupons, reading a little bit, and feeding Sam. I tried to rest but had only one real block of sleep, from 4:30 - 7:30 a.m. Thursday. The morning went quickly, with a few doctors and nurses coming by to orchestrate our dismissal. I took a shower and had breakfast but saved my lunch tray so that Ben could have a "picnic" with me on the hospital bed. It was a very typical hospital room (unlike our room in Lafayette, which had a double bed and special wall - paper); but at least it was private and had a private shower (in Lafayette, I had to use a shower that was across the hallway from the room). When Ben was born, there had been so much activity in our room, lots of calls and people -- both friends and hospital personnel -- stopping by. But this time, it was more as if Sam and I were hibernating; and, really, that's what we needed.

When we got home -- Gerry and Ben came to get us at noon on Thursday -- I felt very calm and collected and remarkably well - recovered. Unfortunately, the orderly arrived with the wheel chair much sooner than we expected, so had to rush Ben through his snack (and then buy him a "Barney" balloon in the lobby while Gerry went to fetch the car). Gerry videotaped Sam and Ben before returning to work, and then both boys took long naps that afternoon, up in our bedroom -- Ben on the floor in his "big comforble mest" [mest = "messy nest"] and Sam in the middle of the bed -- while I put things away and tried to tidy up in the wake of the carpet fitters. Every now and then I would glance across the room at Ben and Sam and think, "Look at my children." We were all up there still when Gerry returned -- an amazingly peaceful afternoon for the four of us together.

The next day, Sam's first full day at home, was spent
in another big nest that Ben carefully assembled under the
dining room table for himself and his new Baby Brother.
Ben adored Baby Sam from the word go and none of us ever feared that the second baby was somehow a threat to the first -- but I have heard a lot of people say that, so perhaps that experience may be the common one, but it wasn't mine.

I do remember how LARGE Ben (age 3) seemed next to Sam, kind of like a dog and a cat napping together. I remember watching them sleep side by side in the nest made by Ben under the dining room table and thinking they looked like two separate species.

Whenever Sam cried, Ben would ask me sorrowfully, "What's wrong to Baby Sam?" Ahhhh, that broke my heart!

~ composed September 24 & 28, October 20, 1993; April 20, 1994
Next Fortnightly Post
Monday, September 28th

Between now and then, read
THE QUOTIDIAN KIT
my shorter, almost daily blog posts
www.dailykitticarriker.blogspot.com

Looking for a good book? Try
KITTI'S LIST
my running list of recent reading
www.kittislist.blogspot.com